


minor cessat

by anto_txt



Category: Final Fantasy XV
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Denial of Feelings, Friends to Lovers, Glompto - Freeform, Heavy Angst, Love/Hate, Lovers to Friends, M/M, POV Prompto, Smut, gladio x prompto, glapro, promptio
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-11
Updated: 2017-01-25
Packaged: 2018-09-07 22:51:05
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 18,186
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8819242
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anto_txt/pseuds/anto_txt
Summary: You held your pride like you should have held me.





	1. Chapter 1

Having sex with him feels like trying to make love to fury itself.

Actually, love... I guess it really is a big word when you try to measure it. But ours isn't, it is a small form of it, a lesser love I'd say. I can measure our love in minutes here and there and, by the end of all this, it might amount to something worth counting.  
But we call it love regardless because it's my only request. He was annoyed at first.  
He was like: _what are you, a little girl?_  
But it didn't offend me. Little girls are awesome and I'm pretty sure if Iris had heard him, she would have answered the same. And kicked him.

So I said: _I'm not doing it anymore if you keep on calling it fucking_ , and that was it. He disappeared from my private life for a few weeks and I knew every single time he'd necessarily sleep next to me, he was making a point in ignoring me.  
In Lestallum once, he got sentimental after a few drinks. We were sitting at the bar counter and he said: _do you think my sister hates me?_ And I couldn't see how Iris could hate him, or anyone, for the matter. So I told him. And he answered: _I'm never there for her._  
I was sober, but pretended I wasn't and let him near because he needed someone and so we could just classify the night as a only-once-more sort of mistake.

But there were many _only-once-mores_ after that one and he now asks me: _wanna make love for a while?_ And I say yes and count in a little love to the small amount, one tick on the wall in my mind every time he says the word.

It is really hard. As I said, he's furious half the time and frustrated for the other fifty percent.

He once told me, point-blank, in the middle of it: _I really hate your face._  
I held onto the backseat and answered: _I know, I really hate it too._  
Since then, I've only taken it from behind and I've stopped trying to kiss him. Ah, yes, we don't kiss. Probably for the same reason: he hates my face. Can't really blame him to be honest, it took me ages and a million selfies to get used to it, but at the same time what can I do? It's the only face I have.

So we lie on the backseat again in the middle of night because he left the tent after suddenly waking up, and I know that means he can't get back to sleep and will take a breath of fresh air.  
I hate doing it in the Regalia because of obvious reasons: it's our home when we are not home. And by "our" I mean Noct's, really, because we orbit around him, and this car means so much to him, and it's a memento of his late father, and I feel so dirty but it's the only place we have, so here we are.

No tick tonight because we started without talking. It's so bad.

"Something on your mind?", I lift my eyes in slight confusion, it's not very Gladio to ask, not in the middle of this at least. "You're so quiet it's weird."

"Man, I'm kinda busy", and I laugh it off because of course I'm not talking, I'm sucking it up. But then maybe he was trying to be considerate and I wasted the opportunity.  
He pulls my hair back slightly and yes, I definitely pissed him off, it's painted all over his face. So I try again, "It's nothing, really! Just the--", well, I guess he's not interested in hearing me out anymore.

He's hard and nearly there, his taste stinging sour right down my throat, and I'm thinking that even in a situation like this he's not looking at my face. So I avert my eyes too and the sky is pretty and turning light blue out of the window but Gladio's too god-like to look away and I am too stupid.

"You're good", he mutters, because I swallow, and I wish he'd say it on the battlefield but I'm lucky enough not to be called a dead weight so this will have to suffice.  
When he lets go of my hair it feels achy from pulling. I don't say anything because first, this is how he is and I would never try to change anyone, and second... _Never mind._  
"What are you going all red for?", Gladio's laugh is heart warming even when he's laughing _of_ me. I don't make it to the answer because I'm pushed back onto him so abruptly it chokes me for a moment as he's not yet completely relaxed. "Not too fast, Prompto", _right._

I clean it up, my lips tingling from the continued friction, and he's shining wet all the way up to the obliques. I live for the growls he makes at the command of my tongue. And for more, of course, but those really, really... _Really_ stir something pleasant inside, around the diaphragm. Mostly because I know he's looking forward to it every time, and that I hold the power to make him feel like that. It's the _being wanted_ , I guess.  
Despite the fact that surely, many can do and _do_ , do, much better than me. I don't know what he does when he wanders off from us on his own, but Noct jokes about him seeing women, and I came to believe it.

"Maybe we should go back", I don't mean it, I just want him to say _no_.  
But then he shrugs. And I know I made another false move, in and out of the guerrilla, it's all I'm good at: false moves. Only, nobody shields me when I mess up with this. I wish I was more reliable and a better thinker.  
"Or we could stay a little longer?", or just a little less pitiful, perhaps.

The handle on the car door encases itself in my back, "Hey, that hurt!", the hand that pushed me still iron gripped around my shoulder, "You are playing hide and seek with the wrong guy", he's seriously annoyed now.  
"I was only joking!", and he shakes his head, where did my shirt go? Does it have to be so abrupt all the time? Am I the one only because of lack of better options at hand? _Was I actually joking?_  
_Or did I want to hear it?_  
_And who do I think I am?_  
He usually bites where the others won't see, although we both imagine they might have guessed the nature of these intervals. Well, Ignis definitely did, but thankfully he won't say anything and embarrass us on purpose.  
His teeth sink onto my arm, then the side of my chest and my stupid skin goes bright red straight away.  
"How delicate", and it might have been something nice to hear even, but Gladio means _frail_ by that, so it's not nice at all.  
He spends always so long biting and sucking on my nipples I can't help but think he'd really want a girl instead of me. Understandable I'd say, and I won't complain or ask, because I love it even though it hurts from soreness after a while.

"These things you got...", _funny he never mentioned that earlier,_ "Why did you do it?", _almost as funny as him taking interest now all of a sudden._  
"You mean the piercings? I don't know. Just thought it'd look cool so I did it", I actually wanted to do it with Noct, symmetrically, but he changed his mind last minute and I was stuck with two rings so I just pierced both my nipples... Man, that hurt.  
"You did it yourself?"  
"Yeah. With a sterilised needle."  
"Hardcore", _and what was that supposed to mean?_  
"Is it a bad thing?"  
"It's a very... _You_ thing", _I take it as a yes._

But it's getting painful to hold back, so I don't want to question it and waste even more time, or worse, opportunities.  
"You want it, huh?", _come on, ask me properly? Please?_ "Want me to fuck you till sun's up?" _Never mind._  
Actually, _no._  
"Only if you ask nicely", his eyes roll and my throat tightens.  
"Look, I don't like this useless shit", he pushes himself back, away from me, "I would have got married to a hot woman if that was the case, at least."  
"So you come to me because I don't complain about your lack of manners?"  
"Manners?", _why does he only look at me properly when he's angry?_ "Do you want some flowers too maybe, violins and chocolates? Grow up, Prompto."  
"I only asked-- You know, forget it. You wouldn't get it anyway."  
"And when will you get that the reason why we do this is because we're miles away from the first living woman around?"  
I knew it.  
And he knows it hurt me because I only lie about _one_ thing in my entire life and that takes up all my effort, so it shows clearly on my face. As a result he's even more annoyed, but at this stage I _don't want to_ care about it.

"Ah... Fine. Wanna make love with me?"  
One tick for today.  
The sun rising behind him and shining right into my eyes, so hard I have to squint.

"Yeah", OK, maybe there are _two_ things I lie about in my life.

I'm turned around against the car door, his right hand at my hip, the weight of his body pushing me down, and I know for a fact we're going to be found out because it must be around five o'clock. It's shameful, but it can't be helped.  
"You want it more?", of course I do want it. I want it always. It, what? Your love? Your cock? Them both. _Everything_. I nod.  
"Say it, then."  
"I want it more", I say it. _Yessir._  
"You're a good boy", _yessir._  
I come inside of my trousers because I don't want to desecrate the Regalia. Gladio comes inside of me because it's too late to care about desecrating Prompto or not.

"Was it good?", he's so laid back, and somehow no one's up yet, so I even have some time to tidy myself up.  
"It was", I answer truthfully, I _almost_ always do so.  
"Cool."

And I am ready to go back to the tent and call myself an idiot until I fall asleep again but Gladio's hand grips my wrist, I'm pulled like a puppet and it's our first time.  
I mean our first _kiss_. He just kissed me.  
On the lips only, like school kids.

"Now go back. I'll come later so it seems a bit less obvious."

I guess this makes for _two_ ticks, today.


	2. Chapter 2

_Luna is dead_.  
  
The ceremonials to obtain the favour of the Leviathan went completely wrong, the whole city of Altissia has been wiped out and swallowed by the sea, and Luna is dead.  
_Luna is dead._  
They once told me: when you despair, take the words that scare you and repeat them in a loop until they become background noises and lose their meaning. So Luna is dead.  
Luna is dead. _Luna is dead._  
  
"Prompto?"  
  
_And Noct is not waking up._  
_And Noct is not waking up._  
_And Noct is not waking up._  
  
"The fuck is wrong with you?"  
"Gladio, calm down, please."  
  
_And Ignis can't see._  
_And Ignis can't see._  
_And Ignis can't see._  
  
"Snap out of it!"  
  
_And I'm alive and unhurt._  
_And I'm alive and unhurt._  
_And I'm alive and unhurt._  
  
"Enough!"  
"Gladio, stop, what's the point in becoming violent to him?"  
  
Luna is dead, and Noct is not waking up, and Ignis can't see, and I'm alive but _not so unhurt anymore_.  
"So he gets back on his feet", his right hand imprinted on my face, "We have more important matters at hand, I would say, don't you think?"  
  
"Prompto, are you alright?"  
  
Ignis was fatally wounded during the great fight. They said the flesh will heal, and with it, his eyesight might come back somehow. We all knew they were lying, but nobody could say it out loud.  
  
"Are you hurt?"  
"It's nothing, Iggy", it is not normal that, even in a situation like this, I am the one that requires being looked after.  
What's also not normal is that I am totally making Ignis feel worse about himself because seeing him stumble to find his walking stick is heart-wrecking and I can't contain the pain. Among all of us, he's the one who deserved this the least.  
"Why don't you two take a breather? I will stay here with Noct. And I'll make sure to let you know immediately if the situation changes."  
  
But nothing has changed in over a week now, and what are we to believe? The oracle is dead.  
  
Gladio pushes me out of the room while I'm still trying to clean up the cut on my lower lip. "Didn't mean to", he mutters, "but you were freaking out and somebody had to do something. Sorry."  
It's more his words, than his gestures. I know that somebody had to do it, but was it really necessary to diminish my own pain like that? To tell me I'm the least important issue at the moment?  
How selfish can I get? I'm disgusted.  
I'm alive and unhurt _and I am the one who least deserved it._  
  
"Hey, Prompto", I didn't notice him crouching in front of me. "Noct will be fine. He's just worn out from the fight. He'll wake up eventually. Just taking a quite long nap of his. Don't worry that silly head of yours too much."  
_"I am sorry for being a wuss"_ , Gladio calls me that all the time for a number of reasons but it never occurred to me that I'd come to do the same and feel nothing about it. I guess this also stopped holding its meaning.  
_I'm a wuss._  
_I'm a wuss._  
_I'm a wuss._  
"You were not", _is this a tick on the wall?_ "You were just shocked. He's your best friend. It's normal."  
But what if he... I can't even say it quietly in my mind, so I just nod. "Thank you."  
  
"Don't say thanks after I slapped you like that..."  
"Man, you slap people all the time! It's no biggie."  
  
I was only trying to make light of the matter, but he seems pensive now and his frown is of the worried and distant sort. I wonder how he's taking this whole disaster. Maybe he needs some help and would never ask for any, or even show it.  
So, "How are you coping?", I ask him, and my chest warms up with the unfamiliar feeling of being responsible for someone else. I mean - with Ignis and Gladio around, Noct doesn't really need my help, does he? _Does he?_  
  
Tepid again, then chill, as I realise he either didn't hear my question or decided to ignore it altogether.  
  
"Wanna grab a bite?" I ask then, and he shrugs in return, leaving without really waiting for me. He's so hard to read, or maybe it's just me, lost in translation.  
  
"Are you coming or not?"  
  
_It's definitely me._  
  
Maybe a hug or something. That's what I'm thinking of on our way there, but truth be told, who knows if I want to _give_ him one, or just receive it back.  
Both? Isn't it greedy?  
I wasn't even hungry, so why did I ask to have something to eat anyway? Whatever, too late now and he's already waiting inquisitively at the cup noodle booth. It's literally one of the last things standing near Altissia. Somehow.  
  
"So? What do you want?"  
"I'm not fussed, whatever you're having!"  
"Don't you have a brain to make a decision on your own?", even the woman at the till stares back at us, alternating, confused at how badly Gladio answered back. It's just food, but it's a good enough excuse to take out frustration, it seems. And I understand, because if it were in my nature, I'd probably do the same.  
So I don't take it at heart. He's angry and worried, that's all.  
  
I picked at random and luckily I like spicy food, because this thing is stupidly hot, whatever it might be. Can't remember. On the other hand, the cut on my lip is the inferno. I really must be stupid.  
  
"What are you, a masochist?"  
"I just forgot", or maybe I am. What do I know? Of me, of anything? Go figure.  
"Look at you, trying not to cry, like a baby."  
"Drop it, ok? It was actually really good and you are just jealous cause your noodles looked sad in comparison", comic relief. Nobody laughs, though.  
"Too bad Iggy can't have any because of medications."  
"Will he be ok?"  
"How do I know? I'm no doctor. All I think is that shit looks nasty even now that's healing. He can't see a thing. Noct better wake up and say he's sorry for it."  
"Wasn't his fault", it wasn't. It really wasn't. He tried, and being weak is not a fault. _Is it?_ "He tried, didn't he? Couldn't be helped. The Hydraean was too strong and--"  
"You'd cover for him regardless. Forget it. It's no use talking to you."  
"I don't do it _regardless_ ", that hit a little too close to home and my words don't pass the check-in before being spat out, "I just think that sometimes people are weak and cannot protect others, or they hurt the ones they love by mistake. Accidents happen. Don't you also hurt those you love at times? Couldn't _you_ save Ignis from this?"  
"I am not weak." It seems that's all that reached his ears. "I am very aware of my role as a guardian and I stand by it. I'm ready to die for my call any time."  
"But you are supposed to be his _friend_ before being his guardian. He needs your understanding now, not your protection."  
"Says who?"  
"I do", _there is maybe one thing I am absolutely sure about in my life,_ "because I am a good friend", _and this is it._  
"And I am _not_. I see."  
  
But I didn't mean to hurt Gladio with this. He just needs to calm down. To stop and think. I didn't mean to say he's a bad friend. He's my friend too, how could I say it?  
Isn't he _my_ friend too?  
My heart sinks. What of all the times he saved my ass in battle? _You're one ungrateful bastard, Prompto, you know that?_  
  
"I didn't--"  
"You _did_."  
He stands up and leaves money for both of us on the small folding table, then takes his leave.  
"Gladio--"  
"What?"  
"That... Came out wrong. I--"  
  
"You know, Prompto", _the sun is setting outside and draws his silhouette in black, like cut out from paper,_ "You really are funny. I mean it. I mean, really, look at us. Lunafreya is dead, Noct won't wake up, Ignis is blind, the empire is taking over, what else? Everything's falling apart and I couldn't stop all this from happening. I failed at my task as the king's shield, and as a friend. And then there is you. What is your purpose exactly? What are you doing here? Can you even fail? No, you can't, because you're too weak to be relied on, to hold any responsibility, or to be blamed. You're just horsing around half the time, shouting nonsense, taking pictures and shit. And, you get to judge others, too! Must be really fun being you."  
  
Dusk falls.  
  
"I'm off."  
  
_Minus a hundred ticks today._


	3. Chapter 3

"Noct is awake. Is Gladio also here?"  
"No, he's been out for a while, I-- will tell him when he's back, but how is he? Can I--"  
"I reckon we should give him a little time. He hasn't said so expressly, but it would do him well, I think."  
"Let's wait then, you know best, Iggy. If you believe it's best for him, then it must be true."  
"Is everything alright, Prompto?"  
  
_I knew it._ Of course he'd take notice. Did you think you could suddenly outsmart him just because he's now blind? Do you think what you feel is suddenly invisible because he can't see you in the face?  
  
"Yes, sorry, it's just a small argument with Gladio, nothing to it", _nothing to it_. Well, it's the least I can do, isn't it?  
"Small?"  
"Yes, he's just very frustrated about this whole situation, like ourselves. Don't worry, Iggy, ok? You should focus on your recovery, we need our strategist back at full speed!", and I try to help him back to the armchair, but he's already quite steady, only slightly uncertain when in new environments. He's amazing.  
"I apologise for earlier, Prompto. For being unable to stop Gladio from slapping you. That was uncalled for, and highly unnecessary. I will have a word with him once he's back."  
"It's... fine", _no it isn't_ , and we both know it. Ignis is incredibly perceptive and I wish I could learn a fraction of his thinking process. "Really, I deserved--"  
"No, you didn't", his hand firmly on my arm, like an anchor, "You did nothing wrong. You were just scared, like we all are. You're always justifying everyone, but never yourself."  
  
I don't know how to answer. Is it true? It has to be, Ignis never lies, and is extremely rarely mistaken. So I believe him and it's relieving, like a mountain off my chest. _I did nothing wrong, Ignis said so._  
But what now? He doesn't know I called Gladio a bad friend by mistake, so does it still count? Was I also right to do so? I can't think or distinguish. I love Gladio and didn't want to hurt him. I never wanted to hurt anyone. Or to be this useless. I love them all.  
  
"Prompto?"  
"I am sorry", I say, unsure about what, specifically, because it's such a huge amount of everything and nothing all blended together.  
"Don't be", _how can I not be?_ , "And you did a great job back there, retrieving the empireal machine and rescuing Noct, taking him to the hydraean. We should all be thankful."  
_Did I?_  
"And understanding of your personal pain", he adds before I can even start thinking of anything, "because Noct is very dear to you, and being scared is perfectly human."  
  
_Human._  
  
"Ignis?"  
"Yes, Prompto?"  
"I wish I could be the one being hurt", _I tear up so easily,_ "You did not deserve any of this", _like a child of two._  
"Neither do you. If Gladio said otherwise, he's very mistaken. You are fundamental within us as a team."  
"How?"  
"Among us three orbiting around Noct, you cover the hardest role of all. You act as the equaliser, keeping us glued together. You cushion and absorb all the sorrow from everyone and dilute it. You keep us going because you channel all the fears and uncertainties and are the one solely expressing what everyone wants to say. Can't you see you are the life of us?"  
  
"Hi."  
  
"Noct", Ignis literally jumping up from the armchair, stumbling briefly, and reaching for him. "You should be in bed, resting--"  
  
"I'm not wounded or anything", _please don't dismiss him like this, he was so worried for you_ , "I can walk, you know. I'm just tired."  
  
"It's up to you, then, Noct. But remember that not all wounds are in the flesh", I can sense the worry, the caring underlining his words like soft bedsheets when you're a kid and nothing else can keep you safe at night.  
I wish Noct had said something more reassuring to Ignis, but it's not in his nature, really. And he knows it. They _both_ do, that's why it works.  
  
"Prompto?"  
"Uh? Yeah, sorry buddy, was on a quick trip to dreamland. I'm glad you're awake and kicking!"  
"Where's Gladio?"  
"I--"  
"We should leave tomorrow, at the very latest. I don't mean to haste, but it's strictly a matter of safety. We also need to find a safe way to Cartanica and money to travel. Prompto, would you do us a favour and get in touch with Gladio? We cannot afford being scattered and wasting time.", _I need to thank Ignis a million times as soon as I get the chance._  
  
"Of course! Leave it to me."  
  
Only, he's not picking up. And he's nowhere around the hotel.  
  
And I hate this feeling, when you are waiting for something bad to happen and it takes its sweet time, and you're just left hanging there, powerless, so you can succumb to it at some point. And I hate that we are breaking up like this, these three people are the only family I have and I want to go back to the happy times running around in the Regalia and laughing and taking pictures. Who's going to drive from now on? Can I still take photos now that I know Gladio despises it? Where are we even going now that Noct is not seeing Luna ever again?  
  
Maybe some bar. Are there any left? Maybe he's just hanging about with someone and got a little carried away. Surely? It has to be something like this. Surely.  
  
And it is.  
  
There is only one big guy with long hair and tattoos around what's left of Altissia, and a girl at the corner of the backstreets on the other side of the city told me she saw him walking away with a couple of friends of hers. Where? To some bar at the outskirts, apparently. She offered to take me there and have some fun together because it's all we have left after this tragedy, and she's really pretty with long raven black hair and a sweet foreign accent but I only accept the help and decline the offer, because I have work to do.  
  
_But_ the sight isn't an easy one to look at.  
_But_ Ignis entrusted this task in my hands and I will pick Gladio up.  
_But_ I don't have any right to stop him and I don't know what to say.  
  
"Heya, pretty ladies", I just sounded like a twelve year old trying to hit on college girls, "I hate to interrupt, but my friend here needs to sober up and leave with me", they are all so breathtakingly beautiful I'm mesmerised at the scene.  
  
"Heya, pretty boy", _did she just mock me?_ "Your friend here promised us some fun so he's not leaving any time soon, why not join in instead?"  
"I am sorry, but--"  
"Go away, Prompto." So he _is_ sober enough to talk. Not sure that's a good or a bad thing.  
"Gladio, we need to go back. Noc--"  
"Shut up", I keep mentioning Noct's name by mistake, but how am I supposed to talk sense to him then? "Are you stupid?"  
"Well, he woke up", _I must be_ , "We have to go back at once, so tomorrow we can leave--"  
"See you tomorrow morning, then. Bye."  
"Gladio, Ignis asked me to pick you up. Please", maybe if I mention him then?  
"So you're just running errands for him?"  
"I am not--"  
"Leave."  
  
My teeth grit. Fists tightened, a small portion of me scared to death of what's to come next - _and another, much larger, refusing to bear the feeling of helplessness any longer._  
  
"I am not leaving without you."  
"I said I'll be there tomorrow. Go away."  
"So you don't care to see him?", _why did the whole bar shut up all of a sudden?_ "He asked about you already, you know that? And where were you? You call yourself his friend? Busy fucking around with random girls and getting drunk!"  
"Would you rather me taking out my frustration on you again, maybe? Oh, _sorry. Forgot you actually like it._ "  
  
I don't remember thinking of slapping him. I don't remember processing the action in my head at all. I don't remember, it just happened. My hand moved of its own free will and I don't know what to do now that he's staring at me in pure shock.  
  
"If you're angry at me then don't make others pay for it", what is my body doing? "And if you are angry at him for not being strong enough and letting this happen, then teach him better because it's your fucking job and you are doing it wrong. I'll be waiting outside. And you better make it quick because we're catching the last boat to the hotel."  
  
And I leave him there, even though they told me to make sure to pick him up, _because my heart told me so_. Loud and clear.  
  
What my heart _hadn't_ told me was the consequential ache, the broken breathing, the regret. The aknowledgment that, after this, he was going to hate me for real and for perfectly good reasons. That I am most probably never going to be loved again, not even in tiny fractions, not even for pretending. It didn't even remind me that I wasn't ready for it, before speaking up like that in public. It didn't suggest the right course of action to take once we'd be left alone again, inevitably.  
  
He actually _did_ come out in less than five minutes.  
  
We board said last boat, sitting next to each other in complete silence, in the dead of night.  
One of his hands rests on the seat between us and mine wants to reach for it but I force it still, because what my heart says cannot be trusted. And he'd probably chop it off, if I were to do it.  
Then my phone rings - Ignis, asking how things are going, telling me that he menaged to cook Noct some dinner, even. I am sure he caught up on my fear but told me I did a good job at retrieving Gladio, instead.  
And it's terrible because he said I'm what keeps us together, but I just broke us for good and he doesn't know yet.  
  
It is one of the longest thirty minutes of my life.  
  
Then I wait in the back of the suite, watching them doing catch up and updates for tomorrow, but I can't listen. What am I waiting for, exactly? Gladio will not jokingly punch me in the shoulder asking _Kids should be sleeping at this hour, the hell are you doing still up?_ , and he won't snort and smile when I'd answer he's only three years older than me.  
He passes me without saying a word, indeed.  
And I am about to break down and ask Noct if we can share rooms just for tonight but Ignis looks so relieved he's finally awake even though in such a state, so I wish them goodnight and follow Gladio instead because it's the very least I can do.  
  
When I get there, he's sitting on the bed facing the opposite wall, hand in hand. Where do I sit? Near him? Far? Which side of the bed? _Can I sit at all?_  
  
But then he gets up.  
  
I never told him, but his height and build are scary when he just stands in front of you like a mountain. Unwittingly, my whole being stiffens and readies itself for what's to come.  
  
"Prompto", this is terrifying.  
"Yes?", _don't apologise to him._  
"Do you really believe what you said?"  
  
Is this my last chance to make it right and take him back?  
Is this when I lie and forgive and pretend to forget so things can be fine again? When I give up and deny and comfort him till morning and let him take whatever he wants?  
Is it?  
  
_You cushion and absorb all the sorrow from everyone and dilute it. You keep us going because you channel all the fears and uncertainties and are the one solely expressing what everyone wants to say._  
  
"I do", _oh my god, please understand, I love you. I love you. I love you._  
"I see", _no you don't, you can't see, you can't see anything, anything at all._  
  
He goes back to bed, takes his shoes off and lies down, adding nothing to it.  
  
_You held your pride like you should have held me._


	4. Chapter 4

I couldn't bring myself to share the bed with Gladio, in fear to make things even worse.   
Hard to imagine, but they once told me: _Life knows how to prove you wrong in weird and wonderful ways._   
So I fell asleep on the armchair and, by the time I wake up a couple of hours later, my back is killing me so badly I have to stand up for a while. Somehow, it's freezing - didn't know temperatures dropped so badly over night on this side of the world, must be the humidity in the air or something.  
  
I need to tell somebody what happened and ask for advice but it's way too early and all I can hear is Gladio's quiet snoring. He's still sleeping soundly. I stop by the bed, sitting with my legs crossed on the floor, barefoot, and watch him for no reason. He's frowning, like he usually does.  
  
Gladio is our pillar, a few months older than Ignis and the oldest of us four.   
He never falters, in good or bad, come rain or shine. He's also the tallest, the strongest, and more trained as a crownsguard. He really, really, _really_ likes cup noodles and camping. He's an extremely skilled fighter, well known in all of Lucis, dubbed _The King's Shield_.   
A _shield_. But as far as I know Gladio comes from something like _sword_ or _dagger_ in Latin though, isn't it funny?   
Iris told me it's also the name of a flower, the sword lily. I think it is beautiful and poetic.   
My favourite thing about Gladio is... Who am I kidding? I could never pick one only. But of all things, I really love his face. All about it, from the shape of his nose to the jawline to his beard to the scars and the expressions he makes when he's angry or happy or tired or _anything_.  
  
He's hugging himself in his sleep, maybe he's cold. My heart tells me _Cover him up before he catches a cold_ , my mind answers back like a bad omen _He didn't even apologise to you_.

Stood up, I swiftly reach for the bed sheet and let it land on him as light as a feather.   
I'm sorry, mind, I love him. Isn't it a good enough reason to do so?

_"Don't"_ , I freeze. Is he awake? No he isn't. Definitely isn't. Just muttering in his sleep.   
"What?", I ask, just a whisper, still suspended over him, in the middle of the act of returning to the floor.   
_"Go"_ , now, he is awake. _"Don't go."_   
So I stop right there and swallow my fear. _Don't go?_   
He's looking at me puzzled and we're both so confused that it's almost funny, that I almost forgot we're doomed and can never go back to how we used to be.   
"Prompto", he has probably just remembered what sleep had made him forget for a few blissful hours and is now staring back with hardened, darker eyes.   
"I was just covering you up because you seemed cold", what am I even doing? Making apologies? _Please just don't hate me even more_. The nerval knot between my eyebrows is so tight it's giving me a headache.

I swallow dry.

"That face of yours", _please just don't,_ "I hate it", _please,_ "Even in the dark when I can barely see it", _please,_ "I really hate it."

Then I'm pulled by the arm like the other time from too many weeks back and we meet halfway and my heart is a supernova and the whole of me explodes and scatters in a billion pieces like debris.   
Gladio is kissing me so furiously I can't breathe right, fingers encased into my flesh like shackles and I don't understand or maybe I just _don't want to_. When did I cross the line between self-loathing and self-destruction? _Who cares?_

"Do you--"   
_"Yes"_ , I don't need to hear it. I don't need to hear anything anymore. I missed this. I've been missing it so desperately and I am made of flesh and blood, I am human, I am only human and flawed. _"Yes."_

I feel drunk.

"Lay down", I do, and I sink under the surface, buried alive. "Look at me, Prompto."   
I can't see anything, and he holds my face up by the chin.   
  
"Look at me."   
"I am looking at you", _false._   
"Why do you let this happen?"   
"Because I am scared", _true._   
"Of what?"   
"Everything", _false._   
"But you were very brave, earlier, standing up for what's right in front of everyone."   
"I was still scared", _true._   
"And yet, you did it. Being brave doesn't mean you don't feel fear, it means you still take action even when it scares you to do so."   
"I had no other choice", _false._   
"You did. You could have left. You could have not slapped me."   
"I didn't want to", _true._   
"I know. But you did it anyway. That's what makes you brave, and I am proud of you for that. Actually, thank you", _I'm tired,_ "for slapping me back into my senses", _I'm tired of lying._

I'm tired.

"I love you", _true._   
"What?"   
"I said I love you", _true._   
"Prompto, don't go there..."   
"But I love you", _true._   
"And you shouldn't."   
"But I still do", _true._   
"You can't do this."   
"Watch me", _true._

Gladio lets go of me and I stay still.

"After all I do to you?"   
"Yeah."

He's sitting on the edge of the bed, head in his hands, like the time he was wondering whether Iris hated him or not.

"Don't do this to me", I could only just hear him.   
"I can't help it."   
"You are supposed to hate me, you have a million good reasons to do so."   
"And one more _not_ to do so."   
"And what of it", he's blindfolded again, not listening, "Do you think we can do this freely? Do you really think it could work? This is not a fucking fairytale, Prompto."   
"I know you hate me, but that doesn't change the way I feel towards you."

For a split second I'm absolutely sure he's about to strangle me with his bare hands.

"That's not the point for fuck's sake", he kicks the nothing in front of him, "Leave it. Just leave it, for the love of all that's holy, leave it. Fucking leave it."

I sit up and I swear, if I could see this scene from outside, I wouldn't recognise myself. Because something's off.   
I feel it, so near I can almost touch it. It's there, right in front of me, cowering in a corner and waiting to be saved. Its fate rests solely in my hands.

"You can hate me all you want, it won't change anything."   
"You are stupid and childish, Prompto, you know that?"   
"Huh-uh. You tell me all the time."   
"You're fucking stupid."   
"Yep. Still love you."   
"Shut up!"   
"I will", _it hurts,_ "but only if you talk to me", _it doesn't matter._   
"I said shut up!" _Hold on. We're nearly there._   
"I love you", _remember they're just as scared of us,_ "trust in me", _be brave_.

He turns around, clearly holding back whatever infamous reaction I seem to be triggering so easily all the time. Then the deepest of sighs and his head in his hands again. _Nearly there, nearly there._ I replace them with mine, and we are face to face. _Oh, hi there, opening._

"I might be a good for nothing, but I can still listen", I don't know what's right and what's wrong, so I smile at him encouragingly because both my mind and my heart agree on this, for once.   
"You don't want to hear this."   
"I do."   
"There is no coming back."   
"Wherever you're going, I'm coming with you."   
"Stubborn."   
"It takes one to know one."   
"Don't come crying to me after this."   
"I won't cry. You have my word."   
"Fine. I warned you."   
"Yep."   
"Shut up and let me talk, ok?"   
  
I nod, twice, just to make sure.  
Silence so perfect you'd think we're both dead.  
  
"Truth is, Prompto, that I love you too."

_Or, you know._

"More than anything else in this whole world."

_I might actually be dead for real._


	5. Chapter 5

"...But I am not allowed to", I stare, "so my next best option is to have you hate me, instead", I promised I'd let him talk so all I can do is stare. Into his eyes, and beyond them.  
  
_"Here's why."_  
  
My hands removed from his face and he's as calm as it can get, holding them between his, like a quiet prayer. Quiet, like when he's completely relaxed building up the camp. Like when he's just eaten his favourite brand of cup noodles. Like when he hears back from Iris and sighs from relief on the phone.  
And all I can do is stare. At what he wants to say, and what he will decide to omit, and everything else in between.  
  
"Imagine this", my mind cleared completely at his command, "Imagine you lose your mind and try to kill Noct. I mean, these things happen all the time, don't they? You believe you know someone, that they're your ally, and then they turn against you, just like that. That said, what do I do?"  
  
_What do you do?_  
  
"I kill you."  
_He kills me._  
  
"Imagine both you and Noct are in a dangerous situation of life or death and I can only save one. It wouldn't be the first time. Say I am in a pinch, like when you would put herself in danger without thinking, and Noct needs me at the same time. Say I don't make it in time, or we only have curatives for one. What do I do?"  
  
_What do you do?_  
  
"I let you die."  
_He lets me die._  
  
"Imagine, maybe when a few years have passed, you're fed up with fighting on the losing side of this war. Say you decide to join the other faction and suddenly tell me, out of the blue: I'm one of them. What do I do?"  
  
_I swallow shards of glass._  
  
"I kill you."  
_He kills me._  
  
"And it's not just you - it's everyone. Anyone. Even my own little sister, god forbid. My own blood, I'd have to spill it in the blink of an eye, without even thinking, or considering. You know why? Because my vow to the Lucii comes first."  
  
_Always._  
"Always."  
_Always._  
  
"Imagine this, too", the black inside my head, "I die as a shield to honour my vow, leaving my dearest one behind."  
  
Countless pictures hanging on the wall, three of us much older, and he's missing. Suddenly, my photos are all unbalanced and the negative space tells you: _Something important used to be here_.  
Then there's me, waking up in the morning with heavy eyelids and guns in my hands. The hunting alone in the mist. One voice missing from the choir around the bonfire. Our tent suddenly so spacious it feels cold. At the hotels on the road, the other side of the bed, untouched.  
  
"My duty as a crownsguard comes first. It always has, and always will. I'm the King's shield before being Gladiolus. This is my vow, and my call. What I live for, and would kill for, and _will_ die for, if necessary."  
  
_In the dark, two souls ashore._  
Maybe, somewhere under the skin, we had always known. Call it naivety, or stupidity, even courage, perhaps - there's only a fine line between them, it doesn't matter what you name it.  
And what's even worse? _Gladio has no idea who he is talking to._  
Nobody does. Not even Noct. I barely know myself.  
  
"My love is finite. It is partial and insufficient. I got nothing to offer you. I can't give you protection, real affection, priority, not even my own life because it doesn't belong to me any more. It never did to begin with. What can I give you? Sex? Help, in battle? A shoulder to cry on? Certainly nothing that deserves to be called love, even though I do love you. I really do, with all my heart."  
  
I cannot remember whether I had any ticks left on the wall in my mind besides the big one from earlier. I don' t know, I am sorry, I feel a bit dizzy.  
Regardless, it's time to take it down. Not the tick, I mean the wall as a whole, and as I blink at it, hammer in hand, I tell myself: I'm only twenty. I will find someone. Someone will love me back for real, without compromises, sooner or later. And I feel like a traitor because if it isn't Gladio then I would be pretending, so the wall is still up and I am the one crumbling instead.  
  
"Prompto", _don't look at me like that,_ "this simply cannot be. Because if anything ever happens to me, you need to keep moving. My thinking was: it must be easier to move on from hate than love. With love, you are stuck. But if you hated me, when I would come to mind, you could think of the pain every time I called you stupid. Or retarded. Or useless. Or weak. Or ugly. And you could forget."  
  
_As if._  
  
"One more thing. The most important."  
  
_What else?_  
  
"If these crossroads were to actually present themselves in front of me, I can't afford to falter. I need to be able to strike sure and fast in order to protect Noct at all costs. And... I am faltering already, right now, just from looking at you. You know why?"  
  
_Because you're scared._  
  
"Because I'm scared."  
  
_But you do it anyway, and that makes you brave. See? I learnt._  
  
"I'm terrified of ending up dishonouring my vow because of you. Even now on the battlefield, keeping an eye out for everyone, I am split. I am torn. The amount of times I was instinctively coming to you, you don't know that. Every time I have to choose, it is agony. Even if it means to leave you suffering for five extra minutes while I do what comes first, it is agony. Being unable to save everyone, it is agony. Having Ignis blinded was an omen: it reminded us all of how frail we are and how easy it is to lose something essential."  
  
_I love the way my hands become invisible inside his, like a secret well kept._  
  
"If anything were to happen to you because of this", _worse than this?_ , "I don't know what I'd do."  
  
And if we stop seeing each other you'd suddenly know? It wouldn't matter anymore? This is precipitating and I can't make any sense of it. I just wanted to be loved for once.  
  
"So, Prompto. Please--", _brace yourselves for emergency landing_ , "Forget about this. Because it's less painful for everyone. And if you can, one day, forget all I've said and done to you, I was miscalculating, I was... Being stupid enough to believe we could just keep all this confined under the bed sheets."  
  
But he's right.  
  
_He's right._ If I put myself in his shoes, I know I'd think exactly the same way and tell him the same words. All jumbled up together, surely, I have no idea how he managed to keep calm through the whole speech, but then it is Gladio we're talking about.  
I wouldn't want him stuck with me when I can't even call him my priority. And after all, isn't Noct's safety my own priority too? Of course it is. But with me it's different - I did not vow to it, it's my own selfish decision. Because Noct is my best friend.  
I am not sure about the _Less painful for everyone_ part, but surely, if I move on and act as mere comrade it will be less painful for him at least. All the things he's described might happen any moment - _some have already._  
And I see it clearly now, in plain sight, the thing that was cowering in the dark begging me to save it. It sits right in front of me, in the shape of a man who's denied the freedom to love with all his heart and intentions.  
Is it his fault? It isn't.  
Or is it selfish? Not one bit.  
  
"Can you do it for me?"  
  
I won't cry. My word is my bond. And I am what keeps us together. I am the life of us. _And I am so sad. And I am cold. And I know he is doing it for my own sake but I'd rather have a lesser love than no love at all._  
And even if he were to ask for sex after all this, I'd say yes. And if he were to call me stupid and ugly again, I'd understand and accept it has to be like this. And if he were to change his mind, I'd still welcome him back. And if he were to leave me right after, I'd still wait. I just want him back and make him happy sometimes and hear him say it again. One word and I'd crumble and start over as many times as it takes.  
_I really am just a lab rat._  
  
My hand still wrapped in his, warm, glued, held, trapped, _freed_ , lonely, unbelonging, cold.  
How to explain? I don't remember the words, any of them.  
Here's to second chances, to believing someone like me could be held, what do I mean, _held?_ Held accountable, held up, held tight, held responsible for something called mine. That's what I mean.  
  
"Of course I can", I nod and smile, smile and nod, smile some more, nod for the tenth time, "Count on me. Leave it to Super Prompto!"  
  
I even punch him lightly on the shoulder, I am really trying my best, but then he grabs my free hand again and kisses it on the back, near the knuckles already turning white from the grip. He does not make it easy, but I wouldn't either, imagining myself in his shoes again. We are both so lonely and lost and scared. Perhaps we really are more similar than we ever knew.  
  
"Thank you... For everything."  
  
"Nah. Don't mention it", and this is to all the times he had to cover for me on the battlefield, I'm making up for being useless and a dead weight and barely mediocre even at my own discipline. Am I not? Am I? Can we at least still be friends? I am too scared to ask, actually, I might have run out of courage for the rest of my life because I used it all up today. Or I should say, what was left of it since _that_ day.  
  
Worse time ever to be reminded of it.  
  
I lay down, and so does Gladio.  
Back to back, in an attempt to make it easier, more bearable for each other. Maybe we could meet again after the war and make up for all we've lost.  
  
"Hey."  
"Gladio? What is it?"  
"I lost you, didn't I?"  
  
_You always justify others but never yourself._  
  
"I am still here", _there is literally no trace of self-respect left in me._  
"Are you?", _I don't know, Gladio, I don't know._  
"I'm right here", _but I pull him lightly,_ "by your side. Look", _and he follows._  
"Prompto?"  
"Yes?", _no._  
"I regret it already."  
"What about it?"  
"Your face", _no,_ "I miss it already", _no,_ "your bright eyes and all those freckles", _no,_ "your lips and your smile and the sound of your laughter", _no,_ "I miss it all already", _no._  
  
"Gladio?"  
"Yes?"  
  
It is always so hard not to hurt others.  
  
_"You don't have to miss it yet."_  
  
And I found that, the more you don't mean to, the more it seems to happen.


	6. Chapter 6

"What is this by the way?"  
  
The amount of details he's noticing in me now that we've decided this is our last chance - the slight colour difference in my eyes, the mole on my left butt cheek, the way one of my canines is pointier than the other. And now this, that I keep covered all the time, but he - and he _alone_ \- could have had many chances to see before today: _the MT barcode on the inside of my wrist._  
I guess it must be true that he's missing me already. Why else would he be so eager to know every inch before it's too late?  
  
"It's nothing important. Something I did back in second grade", if he only knew, what would he do? He would kill me. _He said it._  
"A tattoo without significance?"  
"It's just a decoration", and the proof that I am nothing more than an imposter.  
"Maybe one day you will tell me", I find it the hardest to lie in front of him, because he's not as clueless as Noct, and not as discreet as Ignis. But then, I do lie all the time, it's what I can do best, and he's no exception - he especially, _cannot_ be.  
_Maybe one day you will kill me._  
  
"Gladio, why so slow?"  
"I don't want it to end yet", so his tongue drives me crazy, reaching the tip, but coming back down all the way straight after, before I can even feel the warmth of his breath. The tingling makes me shake violently, and I want to urge him again but my body needs to shut up because I don't want it to end either, so please explode in a thousand pieces if you must, _but don't say a word._  
All ten his fingers digging in the tenderness behind my legs, I'm spread open so suddenly I actually let out a high-pitched sound I can't quite make out, as if it was coming straight from my chest trying to shout: _I'm breaking again, save me_.  
But break for all I care.  
The heels of my feet encased at his shoulders, one hand stroking his hair like holding onto it for dear life, and I'm inside him while he's inside me, both so deep I can't distinguish what is desecrating what anymore. His hands stretching my flesh, my cock invading his throat, or viceversa. I'm crying and reaching the end of this and everything way too soon.  
  
"Prompto?"  
"I'm fine", I'm not even done yet, soiling all over the side of his face, the bed sheets. When it's my own, I find it disgusting, so I reach out to clean him up but he doesn't seem to mind one bit.  
"Did I hurt you?", he never asked me before, "you look like you're in pain", _yeah but what sort of pain?_  
"No, it's just-- I don't know, just thinking of something a little sad", during sex? During our _last_ sex?  
What am I even saying? He has every right to get angry at me after this.  
  
His eyes look different all of a sudden.  
"I understand", _does he?_ , "I might be thinking of the same thing, perhaps."  
Like, shinier in the dark.  
  
"Hey", _dismiss, dismiss_ , "want to do it the way you like it?", make it easier for him, "lay down, and I ride you backwards", I never thought, "so you can relax and watch", or never _knew_ , he could tear up like that in front of anyone, let alone me.  
  
So I push him down, sit on his lap and turn my back to him.  
He's as hard as ever from foreplay, so my body effortlessly adjusts to his, one leg on each side.  
He once told me the view from there was his favourite thing, of me taking him in from the top, and how he likes to watch my back contract and curve like a strange hypnotic dance. He'd keep both hands on my butt cheeks and comment on how I'm shameless and made to be fucked by his cock and his alone, because it seems to him that my insides can't ever have enough. Which is true.  
And how here's the best part, when _you are so tight you can't contain it and you're dripping everywhere,_ _Prompto, you really are one thirsty little slut_. Which, I guess, is also true. But what can I say?  
He looked like he was on the verge of tears so I'd much rather be called names on our last night than seeing him cry.  
  
But no.  
  
"Prompto", he seems to have a knack for this, "Turn around, so I can see you", for making difficult things incredibly harder to defeat.  
"But I thought you liked to watch from there?"  
"I like your face _more_ ", Gladio, you really are the absolute worst.  
I am trying to help and all I get is his eyes staring tenderly and a caress.  
_God, I love him._  
  
And as I start walking to surpass the abyss, looking forward so the void doesn't scare me, I hug the wall in my mind.  
  
"You seem in pain too", I tell him, and he's still staring, simply staring, so hard I feel pierced from side to side.  
"Because I _am_ ", he admits, and that's it, I know now.  
Things have changed for real and maybe - _surely_ \- it was all my fault for confessing earlier like an idiot.  
And regardless of him not paying attention to anything else beyond my face, I let him in. Like a ghost, like a memory caught in cardboard boxes in the attic, and the sight of his eyes so full of me nests where it's dark and humid. _It will haunt me later._  
  
"Prompto", _the sentence,_ "you are so beautiful", _the grace._  
And I want to tell him he's a work of art, but what is he going to think of, when we're gone?  
Isn't silence much better? Won't the empty mind hurt less? Am I thinking the same way he was?  
He was right all along.  
  
_"And I hate your face"_ , I tell him, he smiles, and his eyes clear up because he knows I understood and forgave him.  
  
We stay in bed till morning - early, because we need to leave as soon as possible and I guess Noct will want to stop at Tenebrae for Luna. And I'd like to go too, but I have a feeling it won't be as easy.  
  
Gladio fell asleep on my chest about an hour ago, and he looks so peaceful that disturbing him seems like an unforgivable sin to me. What I'd give to make all this our normality and forget everything else that keeps us apart. _What?_  
So my hand lands lightly on his hair entangled and growing wildly like a mane, brushing it back so to free his forehead. I don't want this to be our last, so I hold him tighter as he stirs slightly, kissing him on the temple, breathing everything in, kissing him more. I'm not supposed to be doing this, so I am caught in between the _Please wake up and tell me it's fine_ and the _Please don't wake up so I don't have to stop_.  
  
_"Prompto"_ , I hear him whisper. Did I ever say I really dislike my name? It sounds like someone stuttering. But he made me like that too. "Is it the time?"  
"Yes", I answer truthfully, and loosen my grip so he can get up whenever. But please _don't._  
"We should get ready", and I nod again, my throat tightens and I don't understand why we can't just keep on doing this whenever we like. Can I ask to explain again? I forgot. I swear. I love you. Forgive me? "Hey, you ok?"  
  
Remember why, now?  
Remember, for _this_.  
Remember when you're tempted to do something reckless again, when it feels so good and sweet you forget the downside. For _this_. Because it's been once more only and I'm already losing it. Because the stupid fucking wall is still up and intact, _and nothing to it_. Because we're just comrades and _take me back this is unfair,_ _so unfair I want to cry till night and then till morning and--_  
  
"Prompto, you knew this was going to be it. I am sorry."  
_"I know, no, I am sorry, I am being stupid, it's just--"_  
  
Two knocks on the door.  
Time's up, and he gets up, and he leaves my side, and he's never to be mine again.  
I forgot to tell him one last time.


	7. Chapter 7

It is unbearable. I mean Gladio's close presence right behind my seat on this train, one breath away, yet not to be reached ever again. 

But of course Noct wants to go to Tenebrae, did he really think he’d skip something this delicate just because of public duty? Apparently so: judging from  the way he’s avoiding all of us indiscriminately – even Ignis, would you believe that – and the frequency of his snorting and frustrated sighing, war will break out soon. Too soon.   
And Noct is not helping either, talking only if absolutely necessary, lost on the horizon out of the window whatever we do or say half the time. Ignis does try, but he must be exhausted from everything and everyone even though it doesn’t show on purpose, ever... It makes me sad to notice his eyes are not only blinded and scarred, but heavy with dark circles as if sleep were a luxury he’s decided not to concede to himself ever again. For Noct, I guess – for love.   
And then there is me, stuck in the middle of the chessboard, quietly heartbroken in my own good measure, caught in between the two sides of the dispute, unable to make a move forward without being eaten up. _You are what keeps us together_. But what am I supposed to do if the pieces are falling apart not because of natural disaster, but their own free will? 

“So... We're going to roll through Tenebrae”, I turn to my right, to Ignis, hoping to delay the declaration of hostilities as much as possible. Maybe joint effort will make a difference? Will I ever stop needing support and begin providing some instead?   
“Not before visiting the royal tomb in Cartanica”, thankfully, Ignis's reasoning is as sharp as ever and he heard my plea.   
“You're sure you're up to that?”   
“The wounds have mended. Eyesight's a matter of time.” 

“The hell is wrong with you?”, _here it comes already_.  
Gladio stood up so suddenly my seat, adjacent to his, creaked. And so did our fragile efforts. Noct did not see it coming.   
“What?”   
“We're not stopping in Tenebrae. You need to grow up and get over it.” 

I have no idea where Gladio's sense of empathy has gone since we left that bed, or I should say, lost each other among those bed sheets. Maybe it got caught somewhere in the folds of shame and regret too, just like us.   
The most precious thing in our lives is breathing thin from us all choking it and none of us can do anything to save it.   
“I am over it. I'm here, aren't I?!”, honestly, what did Gladio expect? In my eyes, Noct is doing well. Sure he's quiet – _quieter –_ than usual, he’s tired, and sad, ok, maybe he could try a little harder, but he lost everything, _everything_ but us, can't he be a little more patient with him? Can’t he be gentle? What should I do? What can I do? How do I stop them? Gladio grabs Noct by the shirt and shouts _and what the hell? Isn’t he supposed to protect him? Isn’t this what everything is about?_    
  
“Maybe when you're not too busy moping, you can look around and give a shit about someone worse off than you.” _Moping? Really? He just lost his bride to be! Luna was a friend, too, she was our hope, is this all so abnormal to him? He could have died too, didn't Noct_ _fight to protect us all? Didn’t we all? Why does this have to happen? Why to us? Aren’t we family?_    
“Let go of me.” _Oh my Lord_.   
“How's that ring fit ya? You'd rather carry it around than wear it? She gave her life so you could do your duty, not so you could sit around feeling sorry for yourself.”   
  
Gladio really has a talent for pushing all the right – _wrong_ – buttons at the best – _worst –_ time possible, it depends on the point of view surely, but how is this _not_ cruel in his eyes? The same man who was loving each single stupid freckle on my face is now breaking my best friend's heart and raging on it like a hungry beast, oblivious and blind to whatever his feelings towards the matter might be. What's the point in stabbing so deeply when one really is trying to make another stronger.   
But he's only trying his best to get us moving, to keep us focused, he’s angry and tired and worried and scared just like us, he's only human, _should I help him instead? Does he want me to stand up for him?_  

And what about Noct?   
I cannot meet anyone's eyes so I have no idea whether anyone needs help but who would ask me for help in the first place? 

Ignis hasn’t said a word but his anger reverberates through the air, I can almost hear his teeth gritting and I know for a fact Noct's not the reason. And somebody should say something. _I_ should say something, surely not Ignis, surely not the wounded, surely not who's suffering the most. _And who's that?_  

 “You don't think I know that?!”   
“You don't! Ignis took one for you too, and for what?!”   
“Enough, Gladio!”, _I shouldn’t have let Ignis answer in Noct's defence. Or Gladio's? I never know what to say. I don’t even know who’s right or wrong anymore, can we just stop hurting each other?_  

We are all used to Gladio's indecent amount of strength but he never actually tried to hurt any of us until now, I mean for real, I mean he's about to beat Noct up with serious intent and it shouldn’t happen, it really shouldn’t, he only just recovered from a coma _and he's my best friend so don’t you dare touch him._  

“You think you're a king, but you're a coward.” _He doesn't even call himself a king because he’s too afraid in the shadow of king Regis, how can he say that?_    
“Shut up!”   
  
My body moves before I even know it, just like when we loved each other for the first time, or when I slapped him in public, or when we were parting for the last time and my eyes called me stupid for promising I wouldn’t have cried.   
“Don't do this--!”    
So I really end physically in between, and regretting it already because I am not even solid enough to stand against Gladio's raging fury. Literally, because he sends me flying without looking, so hard I can smell blood somewhere up my nostrils, and only the seat two rows down the carriage stops me from crashing to the ground like a stringless puppet.   
_Here’s to expecting he might make an exception to the person he claims to love more than anything else in the whole world._    
  
“I get it, alright?! I get it!”   
“Then get a grip! Pull your head outta your ass already!”   
  
I'm still holding onto the backrest and only just managing to stand properly again when Noct walks away from us. That was – _I was_ \- the vocabulary definition of _useless_ right there, for a change. And what is there left to do? I am what keeps us together, _aren’t I?_  
  
“Noct!”   
“Leave him.”   
  
And the best part is, Gladio leaves the carriage too – he disappears behind the door that leads to the corridor opposite everyone, leaving both Ignis and me shocked and mesmerised at how the entire thing escalated and precipitated at such an alarming rate.   
“Gladio doesn't seem to be learning his lesson either", as usual, Ignis knows how to express the clarity that never belongs to the rooms in my mind. At least he didn’t blame me for being unable to prevent this mess. Not that he would ever call me out directly, but I can’t tell what he’s thinking, and that is frightening, too. 

_Have I always been so scared of everything, before?_    
  
“I’ll talk to him", I attempt, and now I can read in Ignis's gestures in slow motion he’s more worn out and tired from being helpless, than anything else. The least I can do is taking charge and do what he’d do. I can do it, right? Right? Wait, is my nose actually bleeding all of a sudden? The back of my hand shines a deep, vermillion red and reminds me: _you cannot do it._    
  
I find Gladio still facing the window five minutes after, lost in who knows what terrible thoughts, his shoulders curved as if he were carrying the weight of the world all on his own. And he's sad, really sad, I can tell as much. And what am I here for? To make him even sadder?   
Think of how Noct must be feeling, magnify your heart and pain on when you recognised that Gladio was being cruel beyond necessary measure, how you'd jump in front of his punches as long as it meant he wouldn’t hurt your best friend. That’s it. That’s it.   
  
“Why did you do that?”, I drop in like electricity in a bath tub.   
“ _That?”_    
“That", _his voice rattling with suppressed ferocity_ , “Did you have to be that tactless with Noct? He’s suffering, you know?” _And isn’t he, too?_    
“Look, if you came here to instigate me any further, I’m literally a hair breadth away from killing someone, so don’t make me", _Why are you like this?_  

He turns around, never actually meeting my eyes, and I’d like to think one short contact can make him see reason and calm him down. I want to believe I hold this power and he knows, otherwise what’s the meaning of me at this stage? 

_I am just trying to keep us going and nobody seems to_ _listen to me._    
  
“No, you listen to me", I’m in between again, claustrophobia catches on and it takes me one second too long to find the words, so it’s his hands on my shoulders again, pinning me onto the glass surface, and I’m too late once more, and useless, and a failure.   
“ _I said don’t make me hurt you_ ", was that desperation?   
“But you wouldn't, would you? You wouldn't hurt me on purpose just because you're angry or frustrated, right? I know you wouldn’t”, _since you love me_ , adds a parallel version of me in a universe where all this pain is not enough to keep us apart. 

Our eyes finally open fire and audacity makes me drunk enough to believe I might not be at as much disadvantage as I thought.   
So again, “Would you, Gladio?”    
  
I hear him breathing all the anger back in, swallow it like barbed wire, and I feel like I hurt him more just to – _hopefully –_ save him from an even greater fall. _I am sorry_ , says the parallel me within a hug we cannot share anymore. 

“I don’t want to", and he loosens his grip, “And I don’t want to get furious with Noct either but he’s acting like a grown ass baby and I can’t stand it.”   
“He’s in a lot of pain, Gladio, and you need to understand he needs time to recover", am I really managing here? Me?   
“Ignis is, too, but he keeps his head up and he’s not moping all over the place, you know?”   
“Iggy is much more mature than Noct and he does not need guidance after losing his father and his bride to be.”   
 “Say what you want but I am just trying to keep us going and nobody seems to listen to me", _wait, what?_    
“I am listening to you, I always do", _did it just happen?_ “I just think we all need more time and so does Noct so you must be patient with him, his sense of loss and all this matter with the ring of the Lucii", _did he just literally read my mind?_    
“I am trying, Prompto, I am trying, but he makes it more difficult than it already is", then he jumps out of his skin the moment he looks up at me again, “why are you—hold on. I... When I pushed you earlier.” 

What?   
His hand at my chin, and I’m already leaning forward thinking _is he going to?_ , but then he lifts my head up and _ah, it was just my nose bleeding again._  

“I am always hurting you”, and we both know it’s true, and we both know it doesn’t matter.   
“It is nothing, really, I’m not _that_ much of a wuss", maybe I really am not.   
“I will try. To keep things in check and everyone safe without loosing my cool too much", the train driver calls for our stop at Cartanica and the horizon outside draws its details more neatly, “but can I trust you?”   
  
The question, taken out of context, made my blood freeze for no apparent reason besides _my skeletons in the closet that must never be open_.   
“Trust me?”   
“Yes. Are you on my side in this? Do you understand it is important to keep going? Maybe Noct will listen to you. Talk to him, tell him what he does not want to hear from me. Will ya?”   
  
For the first time since I built it, I think I saw the wall in my mind creak on its own without even touching it, like from a subterranean quake, like a weakness from within the concrete.   
  
“You can trust me", I say, _and I never noticed my concrete was actually the poorest imitation of clay._

 


	8. Chapter 8

"A moment?"  
"Is everything okay?"

No it isn't, and you know it, and you are making all of this so difficult I am surprised _you_ are surprised.

We halt right in the middle of the subterranean lake as Ignis urges us to do so, the stinking humidity telling us loud and clear: _Get the fuck out of here before it's too late_.   
To think that he was the one saving us, Ignis - even in this state, the only one clear minded enough to find a solution amidst the thick clouds of our poor judgements, it had to be him. How more pitiful can this situation get? Eaten alive by a monster because we can't even collaborate in times of need.   
Ignis is going to tell us off, well, them. And I am going to be stuck in the middle again, unable to side with anyone, _I can’t do this, God I hate confrontations, make this our last._

"It bloody well isn't. And I won't suffer this pointless bickering in silence any longer."  
  
Of course he won't. I mean, not only he got us out of a potentially lethal peril after being left behind countless times - and none of those two would even turn around to check on him, too busy bickering between themselves indeed - but _this?_ If I am this angry and frustrated, I can only imagine how he is feeling.   
And yet, he’s managing to keep his cool, somehow.  
I had hoped that my intervention had grabbed Gladio's fury by the horns and tamed it, I really did, and maybe it was naive of me to believe that I could be the easy way out of this mess. _Because of course I wasn’t._  
And _of course_ someone more apt needs to set things straight where I failed.   
Hopefully Ignis will talk sense to them, as usual, and all will work out fine, as usual. And we'll be fine, as usual. Won't we?   
If we can't trust Ignis's wisdom, what's left of us?

But I still hold my breath, half because of the deadly air filling up our lungs like poison, half because of sheer fear.   
_Please make it work. Make them listen. Make them stop once and for all._

"Let's be frank. My vision hasn't improved, and probably won't. Yet in spite of this... I would remain with you all. Til the very end."  
  
My heart sinks to the depths of the courage I wish I could learn from Ignis, and I can tell Noct's does too. We are weak and that's undisputable, and we are all responsible for his disgrace - and you would believe anyone would be moved by such words, but then I hear Gladio inhale a flustered breath and I know what my guts were trying to tell me.

"Sorry, but I object. War is a matter of life and death."

At first, I can't believe Gladio actually spoke against Ignis and something within me stirs and twists and feels ashamed of him.  
Then his chest rising, his eyes darting towards me as I turn in slow motion and this again, my body not responding to the sparks of rationality my mind tries to input in vain, _this again_ , I am supposed to do the right move again and I can smell failure impregnate these rocks and bones. _Not this again._  
Don't make me react like the other night again, don't make me, I become even more stupid when I am angry and sad, how can you even be so cold, unsympathetic? Don't make me. Make me do the right thing for once, just once, make me say the right words that inspire and correct the wrong, make me useful for once, just _once_. Who am I even talking to at this stage?

"But we'll be there", _listen to me. Just once, listen to me. Believe in us.  
_  
Don’t look at me like that, you asked for it.  
  
"It's not about us looking out for him!", _what do you even know. Who do you think you are shouting like this, how do you dare impose yourself as if you held the absolute truth, how can you not see all this is ruining us, how do you dare touch my friends again, wait, when did you stop being my friend and became something completely distinct and separate?_

_Are you on my side in this?_ he had asked me, _You can trust me,_ I had answered, and yet the moment I'm supposed to remind myself this is just Gladio being Gladio and not some vicious enemy trying to break us further, the moment I read in his eyes a mute plea for help where he cannot make others understand his priorities, I instinctively turn my back to him.   
  
And I know I'm right, and I know I'm wrong, and I know I will pay for both.

"Uh-huh. Well, then he should be free to choose."

_Betrayal_ , I can almost hear his face scream it even though his mouth is not moving yet. _You were supposed to back me up._  
See, you are not the only one leaving me behind for something more important, wait, did I really do this out of spite? Partially? _Did I?_  
  
"There's more to it than just what he wants!", _I did_ , and Gladio knows, and shouts because it’s one versus three. _You can trust me_ , I had said, and I can tell he’s desperate to be heard out, that he’s only doing his best to protect us all, but our friendship as a group is more important to me than him as an individual. _Is it?_

"I know full well!"  
  
Ignis's voice suddenly echoing in the insurmountable distance between us prevents me from digging my own grave.   
Wait, was Ignis shouting? Ignis? _Shouting?_ What has the world come to?

"I won't ask you to slow down. If I can't keep up, I will bow out."  
  
I want to cry and scream and kick the shit out of myself for being unable to defend Ignis, forced to taint his immaculate temper in order to earn his rightful place again, and to speak up for Noct, who seems so shocked and tired he hasn’t been able to articulate one word.

"What says _'His Majesty'_?"

But for letting Gladio down? I can’t tell.   
He is right in his intentions, but he doesn’t understand that nobody will ever listen to him as long as he translates them in the shape of tyrannical orders. Even now, he’s acting as if he doesn’t even recognise Noct's role as a monarch, making a fool of him, and a joke of his name.  
But this is Gladio we’re talking about, the same man who was recognising his communicative limits back on the train a couple of hours ago and put his pride aside in order to ask me for help.  
From the back of my head: _You were supposed to back him up and make them understand this is all too dangerous, he had asked you for help, but you didn’t even give him a chance._  
A long shiver down my spine, the one that usually means: _You stepped on the wrong square of the chessboard and now you can only hope somebody comes to the rescue._

Ignis again.  
"Noct, you are king. One cannot lead by standing still. A king pushes onward always, accepting the consequences and never looking back. Gladio, Noct will take his rightful place but only once he's ready."  
  
Please listen to him, as I nod in his direction, just make us family again, _did I just catch a sense of abandon in his eyes?_ Did I abandon him because I thought he was being cruel to my friends? _Is he not my friend?_ Am I the one tearing us apart, really?  
It was easier when I knew he hated me.

“Have it your way. But we’re still taking a big risk. We better all be ready.”

And he leaves. Noct mortified, Ignis exhausted, me? I don’t even know anymore, but I follow him out of the dungeon, because there is nothing else left to do.

And _of course_ he wouldn't speak a single word.  
And _of course_ he wouldn’t meet my eyes.  
And _of course_ I’ve been unable to find my way in, so as our train enters the Tenebrae borders, I am ready to lower my head.  
Because _of course_ I know that things won’t fix themselves and Gladio won’t stitch us back together.

“Hey there", I wonder whether I’ve crossed the line already, or we can still make it back all in one piece. "How is it going?" Maybe he will just shrug it off and might even decide that I did the right thing. Maybe I am overthinking this.  
Maybe he will lift his head, look away from the scenery running outside the window, and smile at me. Warmly. He could even thank me for standing my ground for Ignis. No, for what is right. For us. For making him understand. For stopping him on the tracks.  
Maybe, just maybe, he could hold me for five minutes or ten and whisper _You did a good job_ , and I would answer, _You can count on me anytime_.

_Or_ he could just pretend he didn't even hear me, keep his eyes nailed to the nowhere outside, jaw shut tight and hands locked even tighter. Yeah, that sounds more plausible.

"Gladio--"  
"Fuck off."  
"--What? I just asked you--"  
"Which part of _fuck off_ escapes you?", he's scarier when he hisses - when he's shouting, at least, I know his steam is being let out in the process.  
"I don't understand", and I really don't, or maybe I do, but I still don't see why we can't sustain a normal conversation instead of coming to this every single time.  
"Of course you don't." which means I am dismissed and can go fuck myself, indeed.

"If it's because I didn't say anything back there, I honestly thought you were exaggerating and being unsympathetic", deep breath, "Ignis had a really good point and you weren't seeing it, and you should stop bashing on Noct because he's not as perfect as you’d like him to be. We discussed this already, didn't we? Stop imposing yourself on others", _deeper._ I hold it in my lungs, as if afraid of saying one word too many.  
He's never looked at me like that, he seems confused at how I am trying to stand my ground, once again. Maybe he will never get used to it. Maybe he doesn't really think I'm brave. Maybe he hates me for this. I don't want him to hate me for this. I don't want him to hate me _at all_.

"I thought", he changes his mind half way, then swallows hard. _You thought you could trust me but it was a mistake? You thought I loved you?_ "...You made me look like a fool. Is this some revenge game or what? Because look, you--" I? I what? _What?_ The click of his tongue. "Forget it. Get lost."

And he’s about to leave again.   
And I think something in me buried under all the sadness and uncertainty just burnt to ashes.

"You really don't give a shit, do you", _what did I just say?_  
"What did you just say?", _God he heard me all too well._  
"You heard me", _don't say it again,_ "You don't give a shit.", _I just did._  
"Shut the fuck up, Prompto."  
"That's all you can do, isn't it? Tell the others to shut the fuck up when you don't like what you're being told. Well guess what, I'm not going to. I'm fed up with your attitude, make my friends suffer again and I will--"  
" _Your_ friends?"

My heart's racing so fast it left me miles behind, wondering _What the hell, how could I say that in his face, who's being cruel now, who's hurting who?_

"My friends." I repeat, still, because bullets won't come back once you pull the trigger, no matter how much you stare at the red spreading on your victim's chest.

"I guess you're right", _what have I done,_ "I never gave you a good reason. Of course you'd choose to defend them against me. We were never friends to begin with."  
"What are you saying?" _What is he saying? What do I mean? Of course he'd say that, I just drew the line between us and him. I just cut us in two._ "Of course we are friends, I mean-- We are more than just friends, aren’t we?", of course I spoke too much. Of course it came out all wrong. Of course he's never going to believe me now. "I just wanted you to calm down and--"

_Oh my God don't look at me like that._

"And--"  
"Prompto, I heard you loud and clear. Spare me from the rest of the ugly truth, will ya?"  
"What ugly truth?", terrified. "You know me, I just-- I just got carried away because I am also frustrated about this and--", I'm terrified. "I would never--"  
"No, clearly I don’t know you. It was a mistake to begin with. I shouldn't have told you any of that. We shouldn't have done any of that."  
"What was a mistake?" I can't follow.  
"Us." What do you mean? "I knew it would end up like this. Now excuse me very much if you will, but I don't like my feelings being stepped over, so I'm getting the fuck out of here", What do you mean?  
 _What do you mean?_   
What do you mean you're getting the fuck out of here? I was just trying my best, wasn’t I? Where’s my chance to explain? What goes around comes around, doesn’t it?

“What are you doing? Let go, Prompto.”  
“No, stay”, I hold onto his jacket as tight as I can while I look for the right words to save me from myself, but he shakes me off like dust. I start all over. He shakes me off harder and I stumble. I start all over. He shoves me against the automatic door and we both crash into the empty carriage. I start all over. _Let go or I’ll fucking punch you in the face._ I start all over. _He fucking punches me in the face._

“You bloody idiot", and all I can say is _Stay,_ “I trusted you, are you doing this because you think you can, now? You think you have the upper hand because of what I said to you? Because I opened up and told you how I felt? I said let go for fuck's sake", I can’t think of anything but bed sheets and my hands in his hands.

_“No, I was just trying to be brave again, please"_ , I fear I might throw up from motion sickness if he doesn’t quit the shaking.  
“You are not brave, you are just stupid, and a liar", I am sorry I hurt him so much, “You think you can make me look like a dick in front of everyone just because we fucked? Think again", I am sorry I am making him say such things to defend himself.  
“Please, I was just trying to make you see reason, because you would regret shouting at Ignis, you wouldn’t want to leave him behind, and I know you are just worried for Noct but can’t say it, I know you don’t mean any of what you say when you are angry, I know", is he about to hit me again?  
No, he just drops me so I fall into the seat and the black perimeter of his shadow.  
  
“ _You_ will regret turning your back on me. And _you_ will regret bossing me around just because I was stupid enough to believe I could feel something for you. You little shit. I’d beat the living lights out of you if only I didn’t have any duties to fulfil with your best friend.”  
“Gladio, you are crying", he jumps out of his skin, wiping both cheeks with the back of his gloved hand. His reactions are so genuine and true I feel his pain as if it were mine, because it is. _Because it is._  
“Don’t touch me. See what you did? See what you did to me? I’m a fucking mess and it’s all because of you.” _Because of me._ “It’s your fault. Stay the fuck away from me.”

My whole head is throbbing and all I can think of is Gladio sitting on the edge of our bed, my arms cradling him, his heart wide open and vulnerable and then the click of my gun.  
 _Why are you crying_ , I’d ask, _Because I am faltering_ , he’d answer, _And it’s all your fault_ , he’d add, _I told you it would end up like this, I am failing at my job because of you._  
Knowing all the answers, I don’t ask him that.

“Do you really think I meant any harm to you?”, I ask him instead. “Do you really think I’m stupid, and a liar?” because I might be.   
_And for all I know, you might want to kill me for that._  
His lips curved down and clenched, like a trap.

“I trusted _you_ and _you_ didn’t back me up when I needed _you_. I had to compromise my duty as a guardian because _you_ would side with the others and won’t listen. And all I can do now is watch us perish in some horrible way because we couldn’t pick the less dangerous option. It’s ridiculous that Ignis won’t stay put after being blinded, and it’s an outrage Noct won’t do what he must unless he’s forced to. They might have listened if it had been two versus two, if it had been _you_ doing the talking. But _you_ didn’t even give me a chance. To _you_ , I must appear like some heartless dickhead who wants to leave his friends behind and doesn’t give a shit about anyone. Isn’t it right?”

And why couldn’t you say so earlier? These are perfectly good reasons, aren’t they? Then why? Why did you have to force your will on others? Why the assumptions and veiled insults? Why?  
Because the whole point of asking me for help, was to explain for him. To defend him, when he’s not lucid enough to use diplomacy. And what did I do?  
Why does it always take me so long to realise the obvious? Why is it always too late to fix the wrong?

“I really am just a stupid liar", I mean it, “I thought it was the right thing to do, so I went and did it", I really mean it. “It looked like you wanted to be mean to Ignis and Noct so I tried to protect them from you. I didn’t think of our pact at all in that instance. I am stupid and a liar.”

“You are.”

And I broke his heart for good.

“I am sorry I am like this", _And if Gladio says otherwise, he is very mistaken._ “I can go and talk to Noct”, _you are the life of us._ “I’ll make them listen, I’ll explain the misunderstanding and--"  
“We’re already half way to Tenebrae. Can’t turn back now, can we?”  
“I am so sorry, Gladio, I should have-- I--"  
“How I wish I could just turn back time and insist on leaving you in Insomnia. How much easier would things be if you weren’t here.”

And I am about to say I’d leave him alone if that helped, I would even get off the train right now so he doesn’t have to bear my dead weight any further, but before I move at all, he gives me the saddest look of pain and I am already justifying his words. It doesn’t hurt, I’m numb because he’s right, undeniably right.   
So I shake my head and say, _“I don’t want to leave you guys"_.

And this is how I made someone else's wall crumble in order to selfishly save mine.


	9. Chapter 9

I wake up to the distant echo of slaps reverberating through my head.  
Who’s slapping who? I think somebody is slapping me. I am not sure. I am fluctuating.

“Wouldn’t have thought you had hit your poor little head that hard.” _Did I hit my head?_ “Can you even get less intelligent than you already were?” _Ardyn?_ “Come on, my sweet friend, wake up. It’s boring and lonely here, all on my own.”

Here _where?_  
Right when I am about to come back from the _almost_ dead, a sudden blow to the side of my head and all goes black again, warmth gushing out and I fear one eyeball might have popped out of its socket. “I said: _please,_ wake up.”  
“I _am_ up!", I shout back, and my own voice startles me, _Just stop bashing me on the head, it's about to cave in._  
“I like your enthusiasm”, and my mouth goes bitter with the stream of blood now dripping down my chin.  
  
I wish I had at least a vague idea of what is going on, but all I can recollect at the moment is an angry version of Gladio wishing I'd leave.  
So I _did_ leave, somehow. I wonder if he’s happy, wherever he might be right now. Where am I? _Is it time to panic yet?_

“Did you ever tell them?”  
“Tell them what?”, I’m muffled for my lower lip is swelling. I sound like I’m underwater.  
  
I’m picked up by the back of my jacket and only then I realise the floor was what I had been resting on for long enough to lose mobility to my legs. I’d say they feel numb but it would be an understatement, it’s more like a paralysis, maybe something broke, _seriously can I panic now?_  
Wait, are my ankles tied together?  
We go past some bars, some corridors, some cells. Everything looks the same but also familiar and I thought Ardyn was pulling me by the collar but it was actually my nape, my hair, I feel like my skin's ripping off but I don’t know. It might be a dream. You know when you fall asleep in some awkward position and as you can’t feel your limbs your mind tricks you into thinking you’re missing an arm or a leg? That must be it. I was on the train to Tenebrae last so maybe I fell asleep. I should not panic.

“Here will do", _but why Ardyn?_ My nightmares are always about silly things like spiders swarming all over my body or drowning or falling from some tall building, you know, default triggers for someone as easily scared as I am. So why?  
I feel like I’m slipping away into a deep sleep again but I’m suddenly slammed onto a steel wall and I never knew nightmares could be so realistic, my whole everything aches and I don’t think I can lie to myself much longer. Don’t panic just yet. _Please somebody help me._

“Do you know where you are?”  
“Gralea", I answer straight away and his mouth curves into a scythe. I have no idea why I said that, I wasn’t thinking. He appears curious, surprised and suddenly very excited.  
“That would be very correct indeed”, _I never liked Ardyn's voice, it’s like a rattlesnake's,_ “You are one interesting little man, Prompto.”  
“Am I?”

The drop to the ground feels like falling from a couple of meters at least. He crouches down, then looks at me, his neck bent so our eyes connect sideways.

“Your dearest friend Noctis pushed you off that train, and they abandoned you in my hands without a second thought.”

If I had had the time, if we had lived in a different timeline, if say, Eos was a peaceful world rid of daemons and darkness – I would have attended some photography school.  
I love taking pictures of everything because I think it is the easiest way to capture the way I see reality and explain it to the others. I’m not good with words, so it really helps. My favourite time of the day is when we camp for the night and I can sit down and browse through the photos I’ve taken so far, then I’d go up to Noct or Iggy or Gladio and show them, _Look, this is how I see you, this is you in my eyes_. And they'd usually hate them but it’s not really the point.  
My favourite picture ever is one of Gladio nodding off in the back of the car, I think we were around Duscae, well it doesn’t matter where we were. He was reading some History book and fell asleep so soundly I remember Noct making a comment on how he snores like a bear, and he looks like a quiet god in this picture, a god of something hard to protect but so worth it, _so worth it._ And his lips are slightly parted and he isn’t even frowning and this is how I see Gladio.  
I really love Gladio and my heart's pounding a little because I am thinking of that picture. And I really hope he’s safe and sound and happy now that I am out of his way. Of everyone’s way.  
I am happy it’s me and not any of them even though it makes me sad. Being happy about this makes me sad. It doesn’t make any sense anymore yet it does, it's just so difficult to explain. _Can I panic yet?_

“Nothing to say in regards to this _oh-so-painful-I-can't-take-it-anymore_ truth?”  
“Noct would never abandon me on purpose", I’m talking to his shoes, splattered with old and new blood. My own.  
“Even though he said those mean things to you, his most cherished companion, so to say?”  
  
But of course I remember, I was just pretending, because I am stupid and a liar. I remember that too. So I nod, “Yeah. He’s my friend. He didn’t mean it.”  
“He chased you. Tried to kill you a few times I'd dare to say. He even told you it was _all_ your fault.”  
“You were probably tricking him or something", I actually just laughed that off. It’s so obvious. Noct doesn’t hate me, he would never kill me. Neither would the others. Would they?  
They need me, not sure what for, but they kept me around so there must be a reason clearly? Ah yes, _I am the life of us_. Ignis said so and I cherish the moment he did.  
But Gladio said... No, not yet. Don’t think of that just yet.  
  
“You’re... In denial, I'm afraid.”  
“No, I am resilient", I never knew I could be able to talk back to someone like Ardyn.

When I wake up again, I am spurting more blood and the room is dark.  
I assume he knocked me out unconscious at some point earlier. From close distance, I hear him say, _Welcome back once more_. If he’s not next to me, who is punching me in the guts, then?

“Don’t you think it’s suspicious that even Ignis hasn’t come back for you?”  
“He’s having a hard time dealing with things recently", I answer lucidly, “because he’s gone blind", my breathe mixes with something putrid in the air, I smell it rancid, beastly.  
Then I understand I’m blindfolded, and also chained to a machinery of some sort, and something _something_ , something viscid, something as hot as hell on earth wrapped around my torso and arms.  
I will lose it if I understand more of this, so I focus on the memory of looking out of the Regalia and thinking, _I wish we'd never get there_.

_“And what about your most beloved Gladio?”_

I have always wanted to go on a date. You know, a proper one, all dressed up nicely and feeling attractive and thinking, _How I want to drop everything and just kiss you breathless_ but being unable to do so in fear of ruining everything. And jumping out of my skin at every false move, I _s this it? Is this it?_ And where would we go? I’d ask him out for cup noodles and a walk. And in this world where we can go out on dates and we end up loving each other I’d say, _I’d eat cup noodles my whole life if it meant you’d always smile like that_. And he’d answer, _You idiot, stop talking like a hopeless little girl_ , and I’d laugh it off, and _Could you not call me an idiot in my imagination at least?_  
The revolting smell of my own skin burning and I think to myself, _Gladio will not come for me._

“Gladio never meant any of that either", I tell Ardyn, because he must not think bad of my friends even when he might be right to do so.

“I will have daemons slowly eat you alive for what you’ve done", and something incandescent digs into the skin around my forearms.  
And I understand I am tired but panicking would only make things worse and I must stay alert and awake. It will end sooner or later, won't it?

“That sounded especially good", he hisses in my ear. _What did?_  
Then I hear someone screaming inhumane screams and it sounds like the voice inside my head. Maybe he can hear my thoughts? I don’t understand magic. I don’t understand much of anything in general.  
  
“Keep it up, because this is all you have left.”  
  
My jaw aches. Keep _what_ up? “What have I done?”  
  
“Isn’t ruining them unforgivable enough to pay with your miserable life?”  
  
I find myself agreeing with his words, so mine become superfluous. I say nothing.

The first thing I see after all this time in the dark is Ardyn's pupils searching the bottom of mine, not sure what for. He’s so close I can smell something like smoke off his hair.  
“You really _are_ some sort of lab rat. Either that, or you're such a small, limited man, your mind can't even process something as elementary as _abandon_. So you never told your so-called friends about that, isn't that right?  _That you are a filthy creature of Niflheim?"_  
"No", I am not sure whether I said it, or just thought of saying it.  
"You should tell them, then, if you ever meet again", for some reason, Ardyn softly caressing my cheek scares me more than hallucinating about daemons eating me alive. "And see what happens."

I have often had nightmares of telling them, of going up to Noct or Ignis or Gladio and suddenly _You know, I'm one of them_. Ignis would look away in disappointment. Noct would feel betrayed. Gladio would kill me with his own two hands.  
And I'd wake up bathing in my own sweat, and this is probably the main reason why I deserve every single bad thing coming my way, _Stupid, Liar. Is this it? Is this it?_

 _"Let me go."_  
"Where to?"  
_"Home."_  
"And where would that be?"  
_"With my friends."_  
"You got none left."

I never meant for any of this to happen. All I ever wanted was to accompany them and be of some use maybe, or just stick around until I learnt how to. But Noct pushed me off the train because it's all my fault and Gladio said I should have stayed in Insomnia and Ignis forgot about me, too. You might say I called this upon me and you'd be right. Correct. Unquestionably.  
Because I've been lying to them for years _and who would forgive a liar?_

"I am starting to feel a little bit sorry for you", the touch of Ardyn's fingertips on my face is gentle and calm, the tears he wipes off it still linger warmly where they last were. _"Poor little Prompto who will die all alone."_  
  
"I can't die yet", I tell him quietly in return, mechanically, because he was whispering first, "Because Noct is coming for me and I must tell him and the others", _because I'd rather be killed by Gladio than him._  
Then Ardyn smiles at me and I don't understand why. Maybe what he really meant when he said daemons would eat me alive was this, maybe he meant my sanity, my _self_.  
  
I don't know what's left of me after all this, but whatever it is, I will use it to tell them the truth. And what would it be? That I am a liar and that I am sorry. What for?  
_For lying._ And what else?  
_For being a dead weight._ And?  
_And a disappointment._ And?  
_And a bad friend._ And?  
_And that I love them so very much, I wish I could start over._ And?  
_And suddenly, the thought of seeing them again is even scarier than being abandoned._

Ardyn still smiling at me, me still crying at Ardyn.  
"Are you scared of them?"  
_"I am"_ , I cry harder, _"I'd rather die than tell them"_ , harder than ever.  
"But you will _have_ to. You poor, poor thing."

I can’t quite place what happens next, maybe because this whole struggle became meaningless the moment I revealed myself for what I am: _weak._ No point in paying attention to punches and caresses and words and lucid nightmares – I deserve all this since I did panic in the end, which means I played right into Ardyn's hand, which means I failed at the one job I had left. Which makes me cry even harder.  
And after hours or minutes or days of crying endlessly in front of Ardyn who smiles at me in return, I fall asleep and have a dream.

This is the dream: it is that Monday morning of five years ago, when Noct asks me around his place for the first time and before going home we skip class to play videogames at the arcade. Then after beating him at this first person shooter, I tell him _Man, that guy at the entrance is hot as hell_ , and he goes, _Holy shit, that's my guardian_! and I am embarassed and confused and _Buddy, I think this is what they call love at fist sight but please don't tell him._  
Which is all true but the fact that I had never beaten Noct at that damn videogame. I was bad a shooting, back then. Who am I kidding? I still _am._

In this other dream, we have just finished having sex in the Regalia and Gladio is looking up through the windscreen. I ask him, _What are you thinking about?_ and he answers, _Just of how small we are, you know, we're nothing more than a conglomerate of shit and dust in space, we really are nothing_. And I tell him, _Aren't we lucky we found each other among all this shit and dust, then?_

This never happened, obviously. But if I live on, if I ever see him again, before he kills me I will say: _You were my favourite conglomerate of shit and dust._

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Acid in the Heart](https://archiveofourown.org/works/13874226) by [Larkawolfgirl](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Larkawolfgirl/pseuds/Larkawolfgirl)




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